Grandparents raising grandchildren often have many questions about communicating with their grandchildren about their parents. Grandchildren ask about their parents, why they are in the care of their grandparents, and other difficult questions that need a response.
Open and honest communication, especially with and about parents, is crucial for grandparents caring for grandchildren. Open communication means taking time to listen, assuring the child that you hear what he or she is saying, and talking about facts and feelings honestly. Honest communication is important because it helps children feel safe and understood. One way to reassure your grandchild, and confirm your good intentions, is to help grandchildren stay in touch with their parents, whether through face-to-face visits, phone, or e-mail.
Every family is unique, but parental contact should begin as soon as possible, take place as often as possible, and in a place where children will feel most comfortable. Children benefit most when contact is positive, predictable, and consistent. If possible, make parental contact part of a routine.
In some families, when a child welfare department is involved or where abuse has occurred, it may not be in the best interest of the child to have contact with his/her biological parent/s. When a grandchild is in a foster care system, permission must be obtained from the case manager for all visits outside of the immediate family. Grandparents need to be sensitive to these issues and follow the regulations set by the child welfare department.
In all cases, keep in mind that what your grandchildren hear about their parents will affect their relationship with them. Also, consider their age and feelings. Don't tell a young child too much because this can do more harm than good. Avoid telling the child too little, and never bend the facts or lie to children.
Grandchildren may not know how to communicate their thoughts and feelings with words, so grandparents will need to rely on the child's behavior. They may "act out," with aggressive or inappropriate behavior, or even withdraw. They may simply not know how to express themselves. Children will generally follow a communication pathway that runs from birth to about seven or eight years old. For example, at six months, they can make certain sounds; at about a year, they may speak their first words; and around age two, they will be able to put together sentences.
You can help your grandchildren become good communicators by modeling good communication. Talking about your feelings shows your grandchildren how to express their feelings. You may have to help your grandchild find the right word or name for their feelings – sad, mad, hurt, or happy. Think about how you interact with your grandchild, and ask yourself how you might do things differently or in more positive ways.
Grandparents caring for children can learn more about communicating with their grandchild by consulting the online publication, Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Through the Eyes of a Child.
