I have discovered an old yet new word that fits extremely well into the lexicon of diversity and change. The word is “honoring,” and it can be used in multiple ways. This is the first of a series of articles exploring what honoring is, what it is not, and what its tools and practices are. Honoring is actually a very practical concept. You may want to consider using this word in your work.

This discovery of the value of practicing honoring is based upon an inquiry that I began seven years ago. This exploration involves the question, “how do I honor whatever arises in my life?” It includes finding ways to honor and accept the way the world is, even when life is difficult.

These concepts and practices of honoring form the core of what I teach in workshops and classes to people of all ages, varying cultural and religious backgrounds, differing social and economic strata, and various organizations and corporations. They have been well received by facilitators and consultants; by staff members of non-profits; by managers and executives; by people who work with the homeless and by people who are currently homeless. The word honoring works at all levels, from individual, partners, married couples, families, groups, organizations, communities, cities, states and the world.

A few simple questions can give you and others a taste of this honoring territory. In a cultural frame, you can ask:

1) What do you honor as the essence of your culture?

2) What would you, your community and/or your culture like to be honored for (appreciated, acknowledged, respected) for?

3) Think of a person who is different from you. What can you honor about them?

It is my belief (I am looking for funding to research this!) that honoring exists as a value across cultural boundaries. There may be a different word for honoring in each language. The actions through which honoring is expressed might look different in different places. Yet most cultures teach their children to honor parents and elders. In some cultures this idea of honoring elders is given lip service; in others it is deeply ingrained in daily life. (I once ate breakfast at a diner in San Francisco owned by a young Palestinian man. My friend and I had a long conversation with him. In the course of the conversation, he said, “For a Palestinian man, having a father is a 24-hour day job.” This job was to honor his father.)

If honoring is a part of every culture—honoring elders, honoring the land—it may be that the idea of honoring is a common denominator—a link—for us all as human beings. It seems to me that people have a deep hunger in their lives—a yearning to honor and to be honored. Arnold Mindell Ph.D. wrote in his book The Leader As A Martial Artist, that “in my travels around the world, I have seen that freedom from discrimination and institutionalized racism makes people happier than money.” (Mindell, Arnold. The Leader as Martial Artist. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1992. P.110. www.aamindell.net)

One element of honoring certainly involves being treated with dignity and with respect, because of our similarities as people and despite our differences. People know when they are being treated well. (So, for that matter, do cats and dogs.) I believe that honoring nourishes people. It is healing. It nurtures our spirits and our souls.

It seems to me that we end up in conflict because honoring is missing. There is certainly plenty of conflict in the world. This is an ongoing inquiry for me: “what is the relationship of honoring and conflict?”

For a number of reasons, I think that change agents and diversity professionals will find the word “honoring” useful:

1) People seem to respond to this word. Try using the word “honoring” in a general conversation. I think you will find that people slow down. They may take a deep breath, pause or become silent for a moment. They are likely to consider more carefully the words they are about to use. They tend to connect with the heart as well as the mind. I invite you to experiment. Introduce this word and see for yourself and notice the response for yourself.

2) The word “honoring” can be used in discussions of many topics—you can speak of honoring yourself (taking care of yourself, making the best choices and committing to being treated well by others.) You can speak of honoring each other. You can speak of honoring the world we live in—the land, the waters and the other species. For example, what would it look like to honor a piece of land, a farm, or an ecosystem? You can ask questions like:

• “Tell a story of how someone you know has honored the land.”
• “How have you honored a landscape?”
• “What else could you do to honor it?”

3) I have found a third major benefit for living life from the intention to honor everyone and everything. (This of course is an impossible goal; however, it is worth the effort. Some things are worth failing at, and in some instances one can succeed.) Why is it worth the effort? Life becomes much simpler in a practical sense. The practices of honoring, which we will explore in this series of articles, create workability in life. The best way I know to express the value of honoring is that the outcome of honoring is peace.

I began this inquiry seven years ago, when I became my mother’s legal guardian. She had been diagnosed as bipolar many years earlier. She also had a dementia, probably Alzheimer’s disease. Like many people, I had not thought about honoring since childhood, when I was taught to honor my father and my mother. I needed to consider honoring as an adult.

As my mother’s illness progressed, life with her was often difficult, although we fell in love with each other by the time she died. I was not her full time caregiver, and she always was able to recognize me. I knew that my mother would not necessarily approve of the decisions I made on her behalf. I needed a different standard for measuring whether I had done a good job. I did not want to feel guilty after she died. I wanted to know I was doing a good job. I wanted my mother to know that she was loved by the time she died. One day I remembered from childhood that I was supposed to honor my father and my mother. So, the measure for doing a good job as my mother’s guardian was whether I had honored her. The idea of honoring could serve as a compass. All that remained was to discover what honoring was!

First I learned what honoring is not. Honoring from my perspective does not necessarily mean:

1) To obey or agree or do what you are told.

2) To honor in the military sense of one’s sacred honor.

3) The kind of family or tribal honor that can sometimes result in murder and revenge.

What can we say about what honoring is?

1) Honoring is an intention. It is not any particular action or set of actions. Deepak Chopra’s book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success offers a fine discussion of intention. He writes, “Your intent is for the future, but your attention is in the present… You must accept the present as is. Accept the present and intend the future.” (Chopra, Deepak. The Seven Laws of Spiritual Success. San Rafael, CA: New World Library, 1994. P. 73) This fits well with the idea of honoring. It doesn’t honor a person or a situation to try to change it. Acceptance of people and situations as they are, for the present, with the intention that they be different in the future will decrease the sense of expectation and attachment that is a source of pain.

2) Honoring is existential. The action you take to honor something or someone depends upon you, the other people involved, and the relevant information. Sometimes what honors a situation is to leave. Sometimes what honors it is to intervene. Sometimes what honors it is to do nothing. In this way, honoring offers a mindset that can be very useful for a change agent or facilitator. I am not referring here to situational ethics. I am speaking of a firm principle. The principle—honoring—is a given. That principle doesn’t change. The question here is about action. Given that I am intending to honor a person or a place or a situation, how do I go about it? What is the highest and best action to take? The action can be different, depending upon who is involved and what kind of a situation it is. (I will discuss honoring in situations of conflict and offer useful practices in articles in the coming months on this website.)

3) Honoring does not mean to sacrifice. The idea is to find an action that honors everyone and everything involved. The first rule of honoring, in the model I am proposing, is: “If it doesn’t honor me, it doesn’t honor anyone.”

4) Honoring exists when a sense of reverence is present.

In this proposed model there are four categories of honoring. The first three of these categories assist people in clarifying how most people use the term “honor” or “honoring” in ordinary speech. By seeing what people usually mean when they speak of honoring, we can open up a new avenue for looking at the fourth category.

The first three categories of honoring are:

1) Celebration. You celebrate a birth, a graduation, a marriage, a holiday, or an accomplishment. This honors all of the people involved.

2) Appreciation or acknowledgement. When a person tells you what they appreciate about you, they honor you by speaking in this way. (It is extremely useful to notice when one is not appreciating another person or a situation. If you can find a way to appreciate a person, a group or a situation is challenging for you, a new path for listening to others and for action might emerge.)

3) Respect. To respect people we may disagree with is a core aspect of diversity training. We speak of respecting people and groups for who they are.

These three categories are congruent with usual ideas about honoring. The fourth category is an area of remarkable richness, the value of which cannot be overstated. It requires a certain amount of practice, but mastery can be achieved. The fourth category of honoring is:

4) Honoring when it is difficult.

Honoring when it is difficult applies especially to any conflict situations. It also works to consider how to honor this conflict. It is possible to honor any conflict (and conflict in general) as an opportunity for transformation. Many diversity professionals desire and work for this: the idea that the conflicts in our families and in the broader world can be resolved in a way that provides for transformation, hope and healing. Honoring when it is difficult involves commitment, and a willingness to be open to the unknown.

I offer here an example of honoring when it is difficult, a story of life with my mother. One day I took her to dinner during the time that I was her legal guardian. We had a great meal at a Chinese restaurant, but my mother didn’t want to return to her assisted living residence. I could certainly understand this. However, I couldn’t leave her on the street.

“I’m staying here,” she said as we stood on the parking lot. “What are you going to do?”

I heard these words coming out of my mouth: “I’m going to call the police!”

My mother started walking, her figure becoming smaller as I watched. In the end, she turned around.

“Why did you come back?” I asked.

“I figured that the police would just take me there anyway, so I might as well go with you,” she said. I had not taken from my mother the capacity to make her own decision, although I also knew what my own bottom line was. She had kept her dignity. I had honored my mother, and I had called the police!

Honoring is an inquiry. The inquiry is ongoing. How do I honor each situation, one after another? This is a question you can ask yourself day after day and moment to moment. It is a wonderful way to live.

After my mother died, it seemed to me that honoring is missing in the world at large. I began to ask people whether they think that, “honoring is missing in the world.” Invariably they nod their heads and say “yes” to this question. So far no one has disagreed.

Since my mother’s death, I have extended the idea of honoring to apply beyond family, although I think family is the training ground for it. I have also made a promise. This promise seems impossible, although I believe it may also be what each of us dreams. This is my promise for the world: “By 2012, all people honoring themselves, each other, the planet and the mystery of the universe.

In the next several months, I will share more of the specifics and practices of honoring so that you can try them out in your life, with your clients, colleagues, in organizations and communities.

Questions, inquiries, comments, thoughts, ideas and experiences with the idea of honoring are welcome.

I celebrate, appreciate and respect you for what you provide in the world and for the work you do.

By Judith Aftergut, Executive Director, the Honoring Institute, Portland, Oregon

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