Released August 19, 2008
PRAIRIE DU CHIEN, Wis.--As their children head off to college in the fall, some couples may be wondering what they are going to do now that the kids are gone.
"When the kids leave, the dynamics of couple relationships change. However, research shows that marital satisfaction can actually increase in this 'empty nest' stage," says Jane Schaaf, University of Wisconsin-Extension family living educator in Crawford County.
Schaaf says that rather than focusing on the empty nest, couples may find it more beneficial to think of this phase as the "second half" of their relationship.
"One great thing about moving into a new stage in life is that it is an opportunity to redefine ourselves and our relationships," Schaaf says. Research has identified behaviors, skills and communication patterns that can help couples adjust to this change in their life. Schaaf says there are specific strategies that help couples transition smoothly to the second half of their relationship.
She makes these suggestions:
- Spend time together. It is important to consciously decide to spend more time with each other. Actually scheduling this time will help ensure that it isn't the first thing dropped when you get busy. If you've fallen out of the habit of "dates," now is the time to reinstate them. A "date" can be as simple as scheduling Saturday morning coffee together, going for a walk or checking out a new store. Enjoy the opportunity to let your relationship be focused on your partner, rather than your child. Get to know each other again.
- Verbalize your expectations. Don't assume that your partner knows what is going on in your head. You may think that your partner knows your needs, feelings and opinions by this time, but if you expect your partner to read your mind, you may be in for hurt, disappointment and misunderstanding. State your thoughts as clearly, honestly and positively as you can. Ask questions to clarify each other's thinking to avoid misunderstandings.
- Express your appreciation and affection. Sometimes partners in a long-term relationship begin to unintentionally take each other for granted. It's easy to get out of the habit of saying thanks. Appreciation and affection are powerful ways to express love.
- Revisit chores and other role assignments. Things may have changed since you first determined who takes care of what. For example, different workloads or caring for aging parents may now be part of your lives. It may make sense to change who does what around the house.
- Talk about your goals. A lot may have changed for you individually and as a couple since you began your relationship. What are your goals now? What would you like to do as an individual? What would you like to do as partners?
- Build a deeper friendship and enjoy each other. Friendship and fun is serious business in healthy relationships. One advantage of being in the second half is that you are more familiar and comfortable with each other. You can enjoy an even deeper couple friendship. Celebrate the empty nest!
Finally, commit to growth. "It's important that couples let go of past disappointments and look forward to strengthening the second half of their relationship," Schaaf says.
For more information on ways to build healthy relationships, contact your local county Extension office.
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http://www.uwex.edu/news/2008/08/empty-nest-offers-chance-for-couples-to-strengthen-relationship
Contact: Jane Schaaf, 608- 326-0223, jane.schaaf@ces.uwex.edu
