Released October 16, 2008
MANHATTAN, Kan. – Parents who breathe a sigh of relief when their child appears to be doing well in school may not realize that they – the parents – may still need to make some adjustments, a Kansas State University specialist said.
The school year can be difficult for divorced, separated or otherwise unmarried parents, said Charlotte Shoup Olsen, K-State Research and Extension family systems specialist.
While parents and others who share parenting responsibilities may decide to end their relationship with each other, their responsibilities to their children do not end, Olsen said.
A child typically benefits when both parents remain involved, said Olsen, who offered tips to help parents work together for the benefit of their child:
- Advise a child’s teacher and school administrative personnel if the family’s status has changed.
- Provide contact information for both parents, and alert school staff of changes in living arrangements that may mean a child will be picked up by one parent Mon.-Wed. and the other parent Thur.-Friday.
- Ask that information from the school (dates for school conferences, programs, events and vacation or in-service days) be shared with both parents.
- Make separate appointments for parent-teacher conferences (if there is ongoing animosity between the child’s parents), so the focus will remain on the child and his or her performance in school.
- Ask a child’s teacher: How can I help support the educational process – and my child?
- Keep the child in the loop, so that he or she will know that both parents continue to be interested in his or her well-being, but stick to the facts.
- Try not to put the child in the middle by asking him or her to serve as a messenger or share personal information about the other parent.
- Make an effort to attend school functions, but think twice about sitting together. Doing so may reinforce a child’s fantasy of getting parents back together.
- Be practical. Trying to attend every event can set an unrealistic expectation for parents and children and leave both exhausted and unable to enjoy time together.
- Be willing to communicate valid concerns by phone, e-mail or text messages without interjecting personal issues or anger.
- Keep your promises to your child.
- Be intentional, but remember that focusing on the best interests of the child isn’t the same as spoiling a child.
Military families experiencing dual assignments and deployments may face issues typically associated with divorced, separated or single parents. Separations of any kind can be stressful, said Olsen, who encourages parents to invest time in their children, but to also try to balance time at work, school, and community with time for self.
“Down time is important for everyone,” she said. “It’s about the only way to charge our batteries.”
More information on managing family relationships successfully is available at county and district K-State Research and Extension offices and on the Extension Web site: http://www.oznet.ksu.edu.
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http://isis.oznet.ksu.edu/KSRENews/story/focus_kids101608.aspx
Contacts: Charlotte Shoup Olsen, 785-532-5773, colsen@ksu.edu
Nancy Peterson, nancyp@ksu.edu
