Do you often hear these comments from people who are raising children for a relative and who are parenting for the second second time around?
- These kids aren’t like mine were when I raised mine.
- Man, these kids expect the best in clothing and everything. My kids had nice things, but it was what we could afford.
- These kids know more about drugs and sex than I did when I was married.
- When I raised my kids a good spanking never hurt; now if we lay a hand on our children the government takes them away.
- I don’t know how to help these kids with schoolwork; everything has changed because of computers.
- I don’t want my children mad at me, even if I cannot afford it I will try to care for their kids.
These are real concerns. Raising children is becoming more and more challenging each year. For grandparents or other relatives who are raising children, the challenges are even greater. Here are suggestions for meeting the challenge.
In today’s world, children learn about life on the playground or in the media; often before parents think they are ready. We can’t always choose our children’s friends, but we can set a good example and we can be clear when we speak to them about our own values. Today, children ask about sex or drugs at a very young age. It’s not just curiosity; they need to know basic facts to protect themselves from those who might try to harm them. If you need help learning how to start conversations with the children that you care for, ask their teachers, health professionals, a social worker or clergy person for advice. Or find a good book on the topic at your public library.
Finding the money to support the children under our care is hard for many of us. The biological parent can’t or won’t always help. Sometimes we are too proud to ask for assistance, but there is help available. Health insurance is available for most children through your state's Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP). Grants are also available for the grandchildren in your care through the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program. A support group can be a good resource. You might also talk to a social worker or church worker in your area about available services such as food stamps and emergency assistance for utilities.
As grandparents raising grandchildren, you need to re-educate yourself to be a parent in the 21st century. This might mean learning to use a computer or reading books on dealing with discipline problems and communicating with teens. You also need to connect with others who are in the same situation.
You might be interested to learn that research has shown that grandparents who are raising their grandchildren feel close to their grandchildren. They find parenting grandchildren more enjoyable and easier then they did parenting their own children. They say they are more relaxed and able to give greater attention to their grandchildren. The challenges that they face, however, are lack of energy and physical limitations due to aging. Sometimes they feel the strain of trying to be both a traditional grandparent and a parent.
To find a support group in your area contact your local Extension office or search the following websites:
- AARP: www.arp.org
- Brookdale Foundation: www.brookdalefoundation.org
- Generations United: www.gu.org
Author:
- Karen Nethkin, BA, TLSW, VS, Randolph County West Virginia RAPP Group Facilitator
References:
- Connidis, I.A. & J.A. McMullin. (2002). "Sociological ambivalence and family ties: A critical perspective." Journal of Marriage and Family. 64: 558-567.
- Dolbin-MacNab, M.L. (December, 2006). "Just like raising your own? Grandmothers' perceptions of parenting a second time around." Family Relations. 55: 564-575.
