Families in which grandparents are raising grandchildren may experience many different types of losses. These may include:
- Death — a very clear loss.
- Traumatic, multiple, and complex losses – such as the loss of home and separation of the family.
- Ambiguous loss - loss of hopes and dreams for adult children or the loss of retirement plans and dreams.
- Loss of family stability via multiple life changes happening simultaneously - financial problems, divorce, raising grandchildren.
- Stigmatized loss – illness or substance abuse that carries negative social stigma resulting in loss of social support.
Grieving is natural and healthy for children, but the experience can also be painful and frightening. A child’s anger or defiant behavior may be related to the loss he or she is experiencing. Grief may be gradual and even lifelong for children and it may be revisited as they move through each developmental stage.
Both children and adults must grieve to recover from a loss, but they may not be able to for the following reasons:
- At the time of loss, we often need to focus on trying to survive that loss, leaving little time to focus on feelings.
- Alcohol and drug misuse blocks recovery.
- The belief that we must keep a “stiff upper lip” keeps us from talking about feelings. Grandparents may be afraid to talk about what happened because they fear they may lose control of their feelings.
- Some losses are not recognized by others as significant and expression of grief is not socially acceptable.
- Loss sometimes requires making changes in family roles, authority, and routines.
There are many stages of grief and each individual goes through them at his or her own pace. One way to think about grief is that anything mentionable is manageable. Many families are able to grieve and cope in healthy ways. Here are a few healthy ways to grieve:
- Work at open communication – the type and level of communication should be age appropriate; be consistent and provide a safe haven.
- Increase your feelings of competency – caregivers need to feel competent in their ability to connect to community resources and services.
- Seek out resources in your community such as counselors, support groups, and maybe even something like a traumatic loss expressive arts program that may include art, poetry, music, movement, drama, or writing for children.
- Take care of yourself. Participate in counseling, bereavement groups and or therapy if needed.
- Find help that is sensitive to your cultural and ethnic beliefs and individual grief coping styles.
Reference:
- Adapted from September 2005 Generations United conference presentation, “Effectively Addressing Grief and Loss: Every Kinship Family Faces Loss” by Deborah Langosch, PhD, LCSW, Project Director, Jewish Board of Family & Children’s Services, New York City and Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT Kinship Care Outreach Manager, Children of Alcoholics Foundation, New York City.
You may also want to visit:
- University of Georgia Family & Consumer Sciences, Senior Sense newsletter article, Helping Grandchildren Deal with Grief
