Released February 10, 2009
AUBURN UNIVERSITY, Ala. -- Many parents are under increased stress during these tough economic times. They may be worrying about job security, mortgage payments, health care costs or other money needs of the family. The American Psychological Association reported in a 2007 survey that money and work are the top sources of stress for almost 75 percent of all Americans. Research shows that when parents have increased stress and worries, conflicts rise. Children can sense the tension in the air and they may act out in frustration. They may mimic parents' stressful behaviors, create their own rendition of the problems or withdraw from their parents.
Financial problems can put excess strain on family life. Parents often get so stressed out trying to pay what seems like an endless stack of bills and borrowing that they ignore other issues needing attention. This often adds more pressure to a conflict.
"To have good mental health, we must learn to resolve conflicts peacefully," says Melanie Allen, a regional agent in family and child development with the Alabama Cooperative Extension System.
Allen says conflict is brought on by each person's different beliefs, opinions, points of view, experiences and values. If not managed carefully, conflict can harm relationships.
"You must take the time to learn to communicate and be a good listener. It takes practice. To do nothing is a choice; and if you decide not to confront the problem, you must accept the consequences," Allen adds.
Allen recommends the following steps to help adults and children resolve conflicts by negotiation.
1. Treat the other person with respect.
- Treat the other person as a person of worth and as an equal.
- Be willing to admit that you may be wrong. You may be wrong or at least partly to blame and need to make some changes.
- Be honest with yourself and others.
2. Confront the problem
- Find a place and choose a time to discuss the issue in conflict when you aren't arguing or angry.
- Stay calm and believe that you can come up with a solution to this problem if you sit down and discuss it calmly. If the conflict is over family finances, try keeping a journal of all spending, including who spends what.
- Have a clear goal. Know what you want to achieve. If the conflict is about money, creating a family budget may ease financial burdens if all buy into it.
3. Describe the problem
- Focus on behaviors or problems, not people. Don't attack another person!
- Define the conflict as a problem for both of you to solve together, not a battle to be won.
- Be calm and nonjudgmental while getting the facts and the feelings.
- Take turns using the "I" message. It helps tell the feelings, the problem and the effect on each person.
- Spend some time focusing on feelings. Children see things primarily from their own perspectives. They may be completely unaware of how their behavior affects other people, except when another person interferes with their needs. To negotiate fair solutions, children need to know how others feel.
4. Communicate understanding and help children see goals
- Don't shelter children from family financial problems.
- Listen to understand the other person's feelings, needs and point of view.
- Don't stand with your arms folded or hands on hips and a frown on your face.
- Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
- Restate what you think you heard.
5. Think of solutions or choices and evaluate consequences
- Stay focused on the problem and a clear goal.
- Take turns offering alternative solutions. Write them all down.
- Be nonjudgmental of other's ideas.
- Examine consequences of each solution by asking yourself; "What will happen if we do this? Will we both get what we need? Who else might be affected by our choice?"
- Think and talk positively.
- Think about your family and personal values.
6. Agree on the most workable solution, make a plan, and do it
- Agree to a solution you both understand and can live with.
- Be committed to resolving the conflict.
- State the solution and ask, "Do you agree that this is what we need to do?"
- Follow through.
- If children choose a solution you think will not work, be sure they know what they should do next.
7. Evaluate after time
- Check how well the solution is working. If it is not working, try another solution.
If you cannot negotiate a solution, you may need a third person to be a mediator. A mediator could be a friend, teacher, parent, counselor or social worker.
The process of teaching problem-solving takes time, and parents may be tempted to just tell a child what to do. But that does not allow children to gain the experience of thinking for themselves. You might want to view "Out on a Limb – A Guide to Getting Along" with your child.
Remember, healthy families make healthy communities. Resolve to make your families and your communities healthier! Schedule time to work on your everyday family issues.
For more parenting information, go to http://www.aces.edu; publications; search parenting and eXtension at http://www.extension.org .
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Contact: Melanie Allen, (256) 766-6223
