Released April 10, 2009
LINCOLN, Neb. — Job loss has become more commonplace as the U.S. economy struggles, and the impact on the family can be huge.
It's not easy, but there are ways to cope, said John DeFrain, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension family and community development specialist.
The first step is to acknowledge the crisis. "You need to recognize that what's happened is, in fact, awful. Don't try to sugarcoat it. Acknowledge that it's going to be really tough. The reason it feels so hard is because it is," he said. "Losing a job is such a blow to the self-esteem, and we take it personally, even when we know we aren't responsible."
During tough times, it's tempting for the unemployed person to take his or her frustration out on the family, but that's a bad idea. "When we're under stress, we regress, and we can say really foolish, stupid and damaging things. Stress can make you 'bite' and we may bite the people who should be our allies," DeFrain said.
If the people out of work are being hurtful, try this: "Grab onto them and love them and hold them. Work together and pull together and make sure they don't feel like failures," DeFrain said. "Remember, in the long run, members of your family are your best friends."
DeFrain lists three possible scenarios for relationships when the couple is facing a crisis:
1. The relationship will get stronger.
2. The relationship will deteriorate and could even crash and burn.
3. The relationship will stumble but the couple will muddle through.
The relationship will become stronger if the family shares the crisis together by talking, negotiating and adapting. "The couples who face adversity well have the potential to love and respect each other more" after the crisis is over, he said. "One definition of intelligence is adaptability, and that really is true. You need to be flexible and willing to change."
When stressed and fearful about the future, families can play a blame game, and that can affect the children as well as the parents. "Children have a magical way of thinking, and they may think they did something that caused the crisis," DeFrain said. They, like the adults, need love, reassurance and support.
A crisis such as job loss will not be resolved in a 30-minute family meeting. It will require ongoing communication and problem-solving.
"The extraordinary thing is that you really are alive in events like these," he added. "What is amazing is how creative and resourceful and adaptable people can be. Most of us have enormous resilience. And when you see couples and families loving each other even more as they work together through a crisis together, it is a wonderful thing."
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http://ianrnews.unl.edu/static/0904100.shtml
Contacts: John DeFrain, (402) 472-1659
Linda Ulrich, (402) 472-3030
