Released Sept. 29, 2007

LOGAN, Utah -- An important goal of a stepfamily is to develop a sense of who you are as a family. Rituals can help do this. A ritual is any interaction that is repeated, coordinated and emotionally meaningful. Consider these tips when establishing rituals for your stepfamily.

• Have an open discussion to determine which rituals from past relationships will be used in your new family. Open discussions will allow everyone to provide input, which in turn makes it more likely that everyone will participate in the new ritual.

• Involve as many family members as possible in discussions. The discussions themselves help build close relationships and understanding among family members.

• Rituals that were particularly important in previous families need to be given careful consideration. Changing too many rituals can increase stress and reduce the sense of belonging. Rituals tend to be most effective if they are agreed on by both parents, though encouragement to participate may come from the biological parent.

• Ease into doing things with the entire stepfamily. Participating in activities together will help family members feel comfortable with each other and will also help create memories unique to your family. Find common ground and choose new activities the family can enjoy together. Hold on to old traditions, but be careful not to choose activities known to create conflict. Do simple, fun activities that involve everyone, such as getting pizza and a movie on Friday nights, and make a ritual of it.

• Continue to spend one-to-one time with your biological children. On occasion, plan to do things together without the entire stepfamily. Prior to remarriage, many children had undivided attention from their biological parent. Biological parent-child rituals help children adjust to stepfamily life and affirm they still have their parent’s love and attention.

• Spend time doing things with each stepchild. Begin with small, routine activities together. Then build up to larger, planned activities. Respect each child’s wishes if they do not desire to spend time with you, but continue to invite them.

• Understand the developmental needs of each child. Consider how children of different ages may feel about and react to family rituals. For example, a newly remarried couple will often plan things to promote closeness, but that sense of closeness may generate conflict with teenagers. Remember that it is normal for teenagers to want to be with their friends or to spend time alone.

• Hold family meetings to discuss new rituals. Plan meetings when you know people will be calm and able to talk. Prepare by letting family members know you would like to talk about specific rituals and that you would like feedback. Present your ideas as possibilities rather than a statement of what you want them to do. It may work to come to a tentative decision, try the new ritual, then have a follow-up meeting to get feedback on how it worked and to discuss any changes that would make it better. Giving each child a chance to participate in making and refining new family rituals will help foster a feeling of closeness. Over time, these meetings will build a sense of trust between family members and increase positive interactions as each person has a say in planning family events.

• Learn to be flexible. Not everyone in your stepfamily will like all the activities you try to ritualize. There may be activities that you find less interesting but that some of the children find meaningful. Children appreciate it when adults accommodate their interests.

Rituals by themselves will not make or break a family. However, they will increase the number of structured and planned opportunities to help stepfamily members develop positive feelings for each other. The time spent planning and carrying out rituals will provide lifelong memories for your children. When you create rituals unique to your family, it signifies that you belong together.

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http://extension.usu.edu/htm/news/articleID=2264

Contact: Julene Reese, (435) 760-9302, julener@ext.usu.edu