- My Dad says my work is my life." After two heart attacks this past year, he is being encouraged to retire. Dad is 76. Although we kids feel this change is for the best, Dad just says, this is a BIG loss in my life.
- I haven’t driven for 10 years. My husband recently had to give up driving. Our three children and friends are really helpful in getting us to places we want to go. Rather than being appreciative, my husband continues to lament over not having a car and driving.
- Mom has had so many changes in her life this past year—the deaths of a brother and two close friends, the loss of driving, and a move 1,500 miles from her home, where she lived most of her adult life--into my home.
All of these situations involve a loss. Although the death of a family member or friend is generally considered the most difficult loss, we grieve whenever we lose something significant in our lives. The loss of driving, moving from one’s home, loss of health and the ability to function as one did before, loss of important life roles, and becoming more dependent on others can all result in grief. A change, no matter how practical, can be difficult. Because pets are "family" for some older people, the death of a pet, too, can be very traumatic.
Older adults are more likely to experience bereavement overload than other age groups. Losses are often multiple and opportunities and resources for replacing losses are far less than for younger adults. One loss can often initiate a chain reaction—poor health may mean giving up driving, having to rely on others for assistance, or moving from one’s home. A move to a care facility or a relative’s home may mean a loss of familiar surroundings, long-time friends, possessions, and control over one’s environment and schedule. Even people who have coped successfully with earlier losses may experience a profound grief reaction when losses begin to “pile up.”
Because loss is a common theme in later life, it is important to understand its significance, to be able to identify the subtle as well as dramatic losses older family members and friends experience, and to be supportive. Even when a change must be made and “is for the best,” the person generally feels a sense of loss that needs to be acknowledged by others. Just one supportive person who is a good listener, allowing the person to express whatever he feels, can help ease the pain of a loss. People need to tell how badly they feel and know they won’t be rejected or chastised. Allow the person to say how rotten or angry she feels. Do not try to talk her out of her feelings, by saying “This is the best for you,” “You shouldn’t feel that way,” “You are so fortunate to still have…,” etc. Such statements are not helpful.
It’s important, too, not to respond to a loss as though it is replaceable. For example, using public transportation or having someone else drive you is not the same as having or driving one’s own car. Living in the home of a son or daughter or moving to a retirement home or care facility, no matter how wonderful it might be, is not the same as the home in which the person has lived for many years. Getting another dog is not the same as the one that just died—no matter how much the new puppy might look like the dog that died. What we lose cannot be replaced, although a person may eventually find something to fill the gap created by the loss.
One word of caution: A loss can have varied meanings. One person may feel tremendous relief, while another experiencing a similar change may feel deep sadness. The meaning of the loss to the person is more important than the actual loss. It’s the meaning to which we need to respond.
For more information about loss and grief in later life, factors that affect a person’s ability to cope with loss, and how to help someone who is grieving, see these related eXtension articles:
You may also find this eXtension Learning Lesson beneficial: Recognizing Depression in an Older Adult.
You may also download Loss and Grief in Later Life from Oregon State University
