The way caregivers think about a situation may directly affect the way they feel about it. Often, when caregivers are angry, their emotional state is so overwhelming that they don’t notice the thoughts they are having. These thoughts are typically extreme and negative, and they tend to perpetuate the state of being angry.
Caregivers can manage their frustration and anger by recognizing how their thoughts fuel those emotions. Trying to see the situation from different angles can also be helpful. Another action is to develop more helpful or adaptive thoughts that promote coping rather than anger.
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Thought Patterns Can Influence How You Act
Some thought patterns seem to keep us “stuck” or lead us to feel more distressed and upset. These thought patterns are not necessarily wrong or right, but they might not be helpful for caregivers. Here is a list of the most common unhelpful ways of thinking:
Thinking in “All or Nothing” Terms
This is the tendency to perceive things as either all good or all bad. An example would be a family caregiver who thinks he is the only person who can give care to his family member.
Mental Filtering
A caregiver may be using a mental filter when she becomes preoccupied with one problem behavior and ignores the positive aspects of caregiving. Common ways of filtering include overgeneralizing, exaggerating, or reducing the significance of events.
When people generalize too much, they conclude that one event reflects the way things will always be. For example, they might say, “No one will ever understand how difficult the situation is.” People may exaggerate or reduce the significance of events, either exaggerating negative qualities or minimizing positive ones. They might say, “Sure I’m good at managing my husband’s medications, but who wouldn’t be able to do it when all you have to do is put them in the pill case.” Or, “How can I take care of our household finances when my husband always did it and I can’t even balance our checkbook?” Others might discount the positive and minimize compliments received from others. Instead of accepting a compliment, caregivers may say, “Well I could be doing more.”
Jumping to Conclusions
We jump to conclusions when we reach a negative conclusion without having all the facts about a situation. We commonly do this by "mind reading" and "predicting the future." Mind reading is when someone makes an assumption about what the other person is thinking. She might say, “David said he would care for Dad today, but I think he just said that to get me off the phone.” In predicting the future, a person makes assumptions that negative things are going to happen or that people will respond in a negative way. She might imagine that a doctor visit will not go well and worry about the future possibility, rather than enjoying the present. She might say, “If I give him a bath, he’ll just fall and hurt himself.”
Thinking “I Should”
The problem with saying “I should” is that the statement has more to do with opinions than with reality. We usually say “you should” to others when we think we know what is best for them. We may feel frustrated when they disagree with us. By saying “I should” to ourselves we may end up feeling depressed and angry, because what we “should do” is not what we really want. A caregiver might say, “I should not even consider putting Mom in a nursing home. I must carry on.”
Labeling
Labeling is a form of generalization. Instead of seeing our faults as only one part of ourselves, we single them out as a reflection of our entire selves. For example, a caregiver may act impatient in caring for a family member and then conclude that he is an impatient person, “stupid,” or “no good.” He might say: “I’m bad because I’m selfish. I want to go out and have a good time but I have to stay home.”
Personalizing
We personalize when we assume responsibility for a negative event even though we’re not to blame. A caregiver may feel embarrassed by something her relative says to someone, as if the sick person’s behavior is a reflection of her abilities as a caregiver and not just a symptom of the illness. She might say: “If I hadn’t left town for two days, my father would not have fallen down and broken his hip.”
If you find yourself as a caregiver getting stuck and using some of these unhelpful ways of thinking, just remind yourself that you can control what you are thinking and you are doing the best possible job you can as a caregiver. Monitor yourself and remember that family and friends are sources of assistance and you also need to care for yourself.
Additional Resources
- Hargrave, T. (2005). Loving Your Parents When They Can No Longer Love You. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Press
- Lieberman, D. (2002). Make Peace with Anyone. New York: St. Martins Press
- Milleer, S., Wackman, D., Nunnally, E., Miller, P. (1988). Connecting With Self and Others. Littleton, CO.: Interpersonal Communication
