What is Self Talk?

As human beings, we are bombarded daily with millions of bits of stimulus from our environment. All of this information is taken in by our five senses – sights, sounds, touch, taste, and smells. Our brain is designed to sort through all of this information, endeavoring to make sense out of it all, by selecting some data and rejecting most. All of this data is filtered through our own unique “lens.” Everyone has a lens. Each person’s lens is different, even though there is much commonality between the lenses of people from the same culture: shared values, beliefs, experiences, art, music, dress, and what has meaning and relevancy. All of our experience is greatly influenced by what we hold on our lens. In relationships, when others hold different things on their lens, the result is often disagreement, misunderstanding, and miscommunication. Differing lenses can be the cause of confusion and frustration in relationships, however, when welcomed, such differences can become a rich source of potential creativity, innovation, and inspired new ways to approach our problems.

One of the most common ways that our lens is revealed comes through our internal dialogue – through our self-talk. Self-talk – for each of us – is that voice (or voices) that tell me whether I can or cannot do something. This voice often contains some of the most powerful messaging that influences how I run my life. Though much of my self-talk supports me running my life effectively, some of my thinking can lead me to get in my own way. Even though no one else can hear my self-talk, these internal messages very much affect how I think, especially about myself – my self-esteem – and how I choose, as a result, to behave. The diagram below illustrates this simple process.

Whether you think you CAN or you CAN’T, you are right!

As a way to understand this diagram and how self-talk works in your daily life, I’d like you to use a personal experience to take you around the diagram. Click Start Here on the diagram.

So much of our daily lives are operated by this simple yet profound talking to ourselves.

Talking myself in and out of things

Another example of a walk around the self-talk circle…

My friend, Sally, called up and invited me to go with her to a new aerobics class. Sally knows that I want to lose weight. I immediately noticed my self-talk:

• You’re too out of shape to do that.
• You’ll probably keel over after only 5 minutes.
• You could die from such strenuous exertion.
• …Besides that, you’d look terrible in leotards and a tank top!

With that self-talk, my self-image / esteem was really negative and low, reinforcing a long-standing image that I held of myself as not being able to do anything about my unattractive and overweight body.

Feeling down, my physical energies waned, and I called my friend back to tell her that I could not go with her to the class because I was just too tired and worn out.

After calling her and leaving the message, I told myself (i.e. self-talk) that it was probably a smart decision to not start exercising quite so vigorously…I’d be better off taking it slow, maybe going for a walk sometime tomorrow. So I went into the living room to watch TV since all four of my favorite shows were on tonight.

So, what do you think? Did I ever start losing the weight? Does this scenario sound familiar to you?

Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy?

What are some of the ways that your self-talk is influencing your life, possibly in ways that don’t get you what you say you really want? Is it possible that your lens has some aspects that “distort” information that you’ve been viewing as fact or true? If so, wouldn’t you want to change that way of thinking into something that really works to get you what you want? It is important to realize that:

• You respond not to what happens (in the world) but rather to your perception of it.
• It is important for you to test your perceptions (i.e. what your lens filters in or out), instead of treating your resulting conclusions as facts,
• You decide how you talk to yourself – AND you can “re-frame” your self-talk into more realistic, more supportive and, thereby, more positive ways of thinking.

Remember: Whether you think you CAN or you CAN’T – you’re right