What Happened to Time for Us?

“Ever since we had the baby, there’s been a lot of strain between my partner and me. We never seem to have time just to sit and talk anymore. I can’t seem to tell him how I feel. Things really seem to be piling up between us.”

Many parents feel this way. With all the demands that a new baby adds to your busy life, it’s difficult to find time to sit down, talk, and make a plan for working together. Even though it's difficult, it’s important to find the time to talk about what’s bothering you.

Chances are that your partner also has been storing up some gripes. Set up a date or set aside a special time each week that you can be together and talk without being interrupted.

Use “I messages.” Tell each other how you feel, without placing blame. Instead of saying, “You always put me down” say, “I feel put down when you tell me…” By using “I messages,” your partner will not feel blamed or accused and is likely to be more interested in addressing the problem.

Be direct. Say what you mean, rather than hoping your partner can guess or know what you mean. Instead of saying, “The living room looks messy” say, “I get upset when the newspapers are all over the room, and I have to pick them up.”

Avoid the question trap. Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you call to tell me you’d be late?” say, “I was worried that something had happened to you when you didn’t come home at the usual time. Next time, please call me, so I won’t worry.”

When you find yourself ready to ask a question or place blame, identify what you are really feeling. Then send an “I message” instead.

Listen, listen, and listen! Give your partner a chance to air his or her feelings and gripes. Don’t interrupt, jump to conclusions, preach, or quickly offer advice. Check back to see if you really understood what was said. For example say, "Let me see if I understand…" or "Are you saying that…?”

It’s normal for new parents to have many mixed feelings. If you use these important communication skills, you will be able to find solutions to problems before they get out of hand. These skills will be helpful as you parent your baby. You may not agree with each other about how to discipline your baby. One of you may want to distract the baby from dangerous objects, while the other may believe in yelling at the baby. These are issues to be worked out by talking them through and using the communication skills listed above.

Do Yourself a Favor

Some parents make a regular date to be with other parents and babies. Babies enjoy these play groups. Parents may enjoy them even more! You may be able to use each other for emergency baby-sitting, too.

All parents have days when their babies wear them out. It helps to have a friend you can call on for an hour or so if you need to run an errand or when you just need time alone.

To raise a baby, you need help. Is there someone in your neighborhood who loves babies? Are there new parents nearby who might like to join a play group?